—To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
—If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments!
—Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt!
—How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
—A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
—I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you!
—The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in the dark (ouch!).
—Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
—The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble!
—Behind every successful man is a woman. And behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
—Why do Americans choose from just 2 people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
—A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
—Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
—Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.